I think I lack the words to quantify this today, but I’m pretty sure – and have felt this for a long time – happiness is deeply rooted in selflessness.

Occasionally, rarely, fleetingly, I can flip a switch and let go of whatever I “want,” whatever I long for. In those moments, I can be selfishly selfless, and long for nothing, and be completely present and of service to those I love.

The difficulty lies in letting go of what you’re good at, letting go of whatever individual talents you may have, unless you’re using your talents or abilities to solely help others – your significant other, your children, your parents, strangers.

And that’s a Venn diagram with very little overlap – one’s personal talents on one side, and talents needed to help others on the other.

This post may need revision. More later.

We’re all playing the long game, but there’s no winning it. Death distracts us with all the shiny promises of life, and we willingly let ourselves be distracted. We voluntarily turn a blind eye and deaf ear to the end we cannot escape.

But why does death even bother toying with us? It doesn’t need to distract us. It will win, whether or not we’re paying attention, whether or not we struggle against it. It always wins. So why play a game?

Because death is a bored child god, and has no equal, and so has no goals.

If life is futile, why live at all? Because we can achieve goals that span lifetimes. That’s how we cheat death – by achieving selfless goals that bridge past, present, and future lives. Feats of science and art and love and selflessness that become beacons for future generations, stamped with our names.

But it’s a small and hollow win – Death let’s us have the group win because we eventually, individually, lose. And there’s no escaping that.

Feels like a third of the world is biz as usual, a third is holed up in silos waiting for the storm to pass, and the rest is dead or dying. Quite a moment we’re having.

So THIS is how the world grinds to a halt.

I don’t have enough life left to live all the lives I hoped to live.

Is a personal sacrifice or an act of selflessness valid if you’re secretly hoping to be recognized for making it?

What matters more – what’s in the heart, or real-world action? (That’s rhetorical – action, of course.)

It hasn’t yet officially arrived, but it’s icy grip tightens, unyielding, and without remorse. Take solace knowing it will burn away, like all else.

But the fact of its inevitable return makes spring and summer so much sweeter, so thank you, winter, you cold bitch – you make the best time of year better.

When we first see strangers, all we know of them is what they show us. And when we listen to strangers, all we hear is what they tell us.

But the truth in a person’s heart can be gleaned if we observe closely and listen carefully, and by doing so without prejudice or assumptions, but that requires setting aside our own fears and insecurities.

And doing that is easier when one realizes, while listening and watching, that the person opposite you is just like you, with the same fears and insecurities, and needs and wants – hot meals, a safe bed, companionship, and a chance to be useful.

Reductive, but I stand by it.

If you spend your life waiting for a glorious tomorrow, you’ll end your life wishing you’d spent your time differently.

I hope I live long enough to learn from, and atone for, my mistakes.